Sunday, 13 May 2012

So here I am...

I feel the need by starting this post by saying I'm sorry for not writing for so long.
But thinking about it I should really follow that up with  the clarification that it's not really my fault.
Reason for not writing anything is I haven't made anything
And the reason for not making anything is I haven't been able to,which in turns has made me too sad and bitter to even look at anything relating to jewellery.

So what happened you ask? Well if you read my other blog you probably already know the answer to that one (or look at my little profile ditty which changed), I've been sick and still am, and sadly will be for the rest of my life however long or short that might be.
I got Rheumatoid Arthritis which was viciously attacking my fingers (and pretty much all other joints). I am on medication thought (and a lot of it) which is kind of working and my fingers are back to normal (most of the time) and have been for awhile now, but I still haven't made any jewellery.
Now when asked I have a bunch of excuses for why I haven't been making any jewellery but that's all they are - excuses.
I know the actual reason and it sounds so silly I don't want to say it out loud, but the truth is I haven't been making any jewellery because I am scared. I'm scared that I wont be any good because it's been so long I can't remember half the things I've learn, and I'm even more scared that my hands might not been as good as I think and will start aching when I try to do the little details or twist the wire, because I do still have bad days when they get all swollen and achy. And I'm also scared that everything will go fine for a short while and then my hands will get worse again and I'll have to stop, and I think that might just break my heart.

But I don't say that out loud and the people that reads this aren't the people that I ever see, because I know what they would thing and say. They would tell me I'm silly and that I have to try, all whilst looking at me like I'm speaking a foreign language because they don't get how scared I actually am, and they don't get that I know it's silly and that I need to at least try.
So I will try, soon, because the other options might just be worse then the bad things that might happen if I do.
And when I do I'll let you all know, even if it's only something small. And If I fail miserably I will try to tell that too thought I am not sure I can.